So much to do....and yet...

Well, it's officially the holiday season. I have a lot to do before
next Tuesday's surgery!! This weekend, after the basketball games and
swim meet, I am hoping we can get our tree up and decorate the house.
I love Christmas time. It was always such a special time for me
growing up. Our trip to Grandma and Grandpa's the Saturday before and
gathering at Uncle Dick's house. Santa always made a special visit and
we had homemade ice cream with homemade fudge sauce after our lovely
buffet meal. Then, the entire family returned to 333 Main Street for
our family Christmas. There were ornaments hanging from each square of
the tiled ceiling and a sweet "bird" sang from within the tree
branches. We watched patiently as everyone opened gifts, chatting and
enjoying our family time together. It was just as Christmas should
be: full of memories and traditions to remember even as adults. My
own children shared some Christmases just as I did; however, now Gram
is in a nursing home and we no longer gather at her home. I miss this
tradition each and every year. One year, cousin Jon played the guitar
and we all sang "the grinch song" among other classics. It was such a
special time. Some years, our tree does not go up until December
24th....it's too busy, too much to do.....excuses, excuses! This
year, as I recover from the sofa, I can't wait to be surrounded by the
sights, scents and sounds of Christmases past. I even have a "bird"
to hide in the tree. Something about traditions and memories I hold so
dear will certainly help me heal! What could be better than
surrounding myself in a continuous celebration of the birth of a
Precious Babe--Jesus Christ our Savior. This feeling from within me
warms me and gives me peace. One day soon, I will be free from this
mysterious mass, maybe not free of post operative discomforts, but at
least I will be surrounded by these comforting memories. I will
especially be comforted knowing that Jesus--the reason for this
special, magical, glorious season--is in my heart <3 <3

The Mass

Wow!! Parent teacher conference time snuck up on me already! Halloween flew by, as did most of November. Backtracking to October makes me realize why this is. On Cameron's 10th birthday, October 13th, I went in for my physical. Being the wise nurse I am, I had "defered" this glorious event for an extra year. Come to find out, not a good plan!! I almost hit the ceiling as she palpated my abdomen; tears followed....pain! Aweful, sharp, piercing pain!! Three days later, an ultrasound--and a very quiet, calm co-worker--would reveal a 16cm mass on my right ovary. Normal ovaries resemble an olive.....mine could be compared to a volleyball. Fear, worry, anxiety all etched into my head and thoughts as I sat in the lab for blooddraws and listened to prompts through the CAT scan. My family and co-workers literally held my hand as I trudged along begrudgingly. I did not ask for this, nor do I want this. Here I am, facing major abdominal surgery with a job, five
kids and too much to do to be laid out for what my doctor wants to be 12 weeks. The surgery date alone took forever to get and the reality of being "alone" at Maine Med keeps my nerves on edge. Although it is a wonderful hospital, many of my memories there are sad ones: the ultrasound that revealed my 29 week old fetus's heart had stopped beating, and the birth of a still, yet beautiful baby boy; the countless visits to my ailing Father's bedside as I watched him slowly slip away and the last I love you's we said on that Christmas Day; the arms of my step brother who met me at the door and practically carried me to the eighth floor where my Father's lifeless body lay. Not even counting stressful, anxiety ridden days of nursing school caring for patients and doubting my abilities, I feel as though too much is etched in my head. I will go there next Tuesday morning and hope for a nicer experience. Many people have tried to help me with the surgical
anxiety I am feeling. I know positives exist: no more heaviness, no more back or abdominal pain--except from the large vertical wound I will wear--no more concerns over ruptures or torsions. In the end, a positive experience will certainly help with all that has happened. Pastor Stu a d many a Christian hymn would encourage me to "cast my burdens". I am trying, but human nature tries to take over and grab them back along with a few more each time. There will come a time when I will need to just give in and allow God's hand to be my only guide. He knows it is hard for me to let go, but that is what I shall do. When, not sure. Could be at 10:00 Tuesday morning as I am counting down to sleep, tears in my eyes, fears in my heart. I hope not, I really do, but conquering fears and letting go take time...lots of it. As of next week at this same time, I will be ovarian mass free. Possibly other organs and nodes may need to be removed too, but again I hope
not. I pray not....only God knows. I am just a passenger on His mighty ship.

Last week of March...First week of April

Wow....this week has flown!! Thank goodness for that because I have been at work A LOT this week and I don't like how disorganized and thrown off it makes me feel. It is so strange to think that yet another Maine winter is finally behind us and Spring is here now that it is April. Over the weekend, the male members of the family designed and built our new deck. I've wanted one since we moved in...we have sliders that looked really funny for five years, not to mention I never could quite reach out far enough to WASH THEM!! Well, since the mortgage company finally decided they would require such a thing of us (5 days before our carpenter--Ed's Dad--left for Florida for 3 weeks!!), Ed's Dad, and my brother-in-laws and four boys got together in the pouring rain (time limit, time limit) and got much of it put up. Monday morning rolled around and major thunderstorms rolled in, just as "Deda" (the kids fancy name for their Grandpa) and I were about to put the decking on and the railings/benches up. We got a lot of it done even though we waited for the storms to clear. It was cold and miserable but in the end so worth it....for me at least!! So, the plan is to finish it and have the "inspector" come ASAP to get the new mortgage all squared away--lots of fun :) :)
In the puppy world--they are HUGE!! They're all running around, playing and having a blast in life. Very simple, very cute life!! One little boy whines all the time if he isn't sleeping or eating--I know, enter "male slam comment", but I'll defer :) :) Then there is another little girl who seems to Reeeeeallly want to learn to bark. It comes out as this high pitched, loud YIP every time! If you aren't expecting it, it startles you. Calvin lifts her up and tells her, "Don't worry! some day you'll get your bark". LOL Funny guy!! It was even funnier when he told me that line was from "Bow Wow Chihauaha" hahaha--I think he meant Beverly Hills Chihauaha.
The kids are doing pretty well. I was incredibly thankful we made it through April Fool's Day since all I heard for hours after school was joke after joke after joke---ugggghhh!!! All five love Ed's new job and Ed seems to be fitting in nicely at the Y. He is exercising and enjoying dealing with local kiddos and co-workers. It's nice to see him so happy. I know to some degree he misses Sweetser, but I also know he had been ready for a change for a while. On that Monday morning when he headed to the Y for the first time as the "Director of Camp and Recreation", despite the usual arguing needed to motivate the kids, somewhere inside me, I got this very nostalgic feeling. It was like the feeling I get as I send my child on the bus for the first day of Kindergarten--it was like sending my baby on the bus! I am now dreading the day I bring Em to school for the first time. Many parents are thankful when all their kids are in school--not me. I enjoy being a mom and have enjoyed the preschool years. I'm trying to get myself ready and have been better about bringing Em to preschool daily, but I really miss her. I think summer break will be nice this year, and I enjoy having the kids around. Granted, come the middle to end of August, when I've heard "I'm bored" 25 times in the last hour, I have a few moments where I can't wait for school to start. As soon as it does though, I miss them again. Even with all their goofy quirks and little annoyances, they're great kids :) :) I do wish the boy egos and fighting and the girl sassiness would magically disappear, but I suppose God has to give us something to keep us on our toes!!
Well, the hour is nearing 1 am and I haven't even played one game of Bejeweled on FaceBook!! Gonna run and aim for #1 since I'm currently at least 5th!! But..that will be for another post :) :)

Day job??....kid review...Allison's birthday!!

Well, I made it through a day shift--pretty good for someone whose life is usually backwards since she's worked nights or evenings for the last 10 years!! I don't even remember what a day job is like--LOL!! Regardless, we were busy and I had the pleasure of helping our newest nurse out today--she was wonderful to have along and caught on to everything incredibly fast! Some people are just naturals at what they choose in life :) :) (her that is, not a shameless brag for me LOL!!) So, after work I bombed down the River Road after dropping off the official changeover form for Ed to start up insurance under me for the next few months--this is SOOOO becoming ReALiTy!! I had 4 kids getting off the bus and one at daycare, and I managed to remember everyone and, maybe even their lunchboxes too!! We even ran a few errands and then went to the Y for some swimming. It was nice to feel "like everyone else" for a day. I was sleepy from about noon on, despite the "busy-ness" of the OB unit (not baby-wise--pregnant visit-wise). Now, you guessed it, I'm laying here typing this to the rythym of Ed's quiet breathing!! How unfair that this dude I married can sleep through a Parade and Marching Bands booming through our bedroom and I wake up to a feather falling on the basement floor--OK, that is an exaggeration, but it is almost the truth!! Maybe it is just the Mommy in me. On that note, Calvin actually admitted that he thinks I have eyes in the back of my head this evening!! I was impressed--but now I have this aweful image and wonder if anyone really DOES have eyes in the back of their head!?? Maybe Austin can draw me a picture of that--his imagination is wild and downright odd most of the time--but that just makes him, HIM!!
As we left the Y tonight, we happened to see Dr. Steve. I explained to him how the 4 shots my daughter recieved yesterday did not slow her down in any way!! When he chuckled and asked her about it, she laughed back and said, "remember! You said I could punch Cameron!!" That is really not how it happened--lol--but Dr. Steve is such a good sport, he went along with it, and Cam, being Cam, did too :) :) It was pretty funny coming from this fiesty little five year old!! Oh, I musn't forget my Hunter-man!! He had a little time out from the pool tonight--the crocodile tears welled up and I even felt bad for him, buuuutt....the lifeguard is right--tough love for the little man!! He got back in, but I'm sure it brought a flashback to him of a few years ago when one particular swim instructor plopped him on a bench out of the pool (no towel!!) after five minutes of swim class and forgot to let him back in for the entire class--he didn't go back and we haven't participated in swim lessons since, even though she's been gone a long time!! I couldn't put him through that heartbreak again--she didn't even offer an explanation until I approached her and told her it was inappropriate--then it was a lame one! Oh well, here I ramble--what's done is done!! He forgave this lifeguard and she seemed to return that feeling because he was splashing and jumping around a few minutes later. :) :)
Well, I suppose I could jump back on facebook and take a quiz or two--maybe sleep will come!! Hey, have a happy Friday--It's Allison's Birthday!! She's 14--all grow-ed up!! Happy Birthday, Allison!!

The puppies...and what was I thinkin'?

The puppies are growing so fast!! Two of the little girls have opened their eyes over the course of the day and the third girl is slightly opened; all three boys are still closed eyed. See, girls really do mature faster than boys!! LOL Maybe I should have called this blog "what was I thinking??". I agreed to a day shift tomorrow and now, it being 10:11pm and I am blogging, I realize there is no way I will not be very tired tomorrow!! I taught the last childbirth ed class of my March series so I'll have a few Wednesday nights off before Centering CBEd starts up, but I left the hospital exhausted after a small "discussion" with a grouchy lab lady. Then, I had to turn around and go back to the hospital because I left my Cell on the office table and was having MAJOR separation anxiety!! I haven't been "cell-less" for 10 years!! We got it before Cam was born in case Ed was out and about and I went into labor! LOL who knew I'd actually depend on the darn thing--back then, it was like carrying around a brick--heavy and completely un-streamlined!! I remember testing him while he was golfing--hours later he called me and I lectured him, "what if it was real?"; "but it wasn't" he said, "but what if it was"; "i knew it wasn't" he said---WHATEVER!! LOL wow--talk about a tangent!! Goodnight :) :)

Busy day

Its been a busy day. I haven't even had time to workout which is a little odd for me!! I've worked out a lot lately--swimming 30-60 minutes and then following it up with the treadmill on level 20 at 4.2 mph for 30 minutes. We had a couple appointments today that required a clean-ish house so I worked on that, then I came to work where the busy-ness has just started to slow, slightly. I thought I'd grab a few minutes to blog and maybe check facebook before the next busy wave starts. It's good...a busy hospital is much better then a slow, patientless hospital and it is always nice to have moms and babies to care for and educate. Well, dinner is on it's way (yeah--$5.99 pizza from Romeo's---YYYYUUUUmm!! Is that biggest loser friendly??) so, until tomorrow :) :)

Why Can't I sleep??????

Well, here I am, yet another night, lying here wide awake with a house full of sleeping kids, animals and Ed too (he sometimes qualifies as both--lol!!). I just got home about an hour ago from a busy but nice evening shift at the hospital. A baby was born and we all sighed a sigh of relief and a few new grey hairs sprouted on each of our heads...all is good. It is such an adventure even getting to bed at our house that it makes total sense why I am so awake. I first have to face my complete fear of the dark and make a run from the truck to the house, hoping that all the shadows I see are just that and not the waiting coyote we often hear way too near our house. Once inside, I pick up no less than 2 pairs of socks for the hamper, a pair of boots and a wet bathing suit entangled with a towel in a shaw's bag. I then proceed to the bathroom because I can hear the loud cries of a puppy as soon as the front door closes behind me. Sure enough, Lilly, our black lab who gave birth to 8 beautiful puppies last Saturday night, is nursing 5 of the 6 pups who survived. One little adventurer--blind and deaf to the world--cries out loudly from across the room, front arms swimming and searching. I scoop her up and bring her to her mother. Just as she latches on, Lilly jumps up and darts for the door--GREAT! This starts the puppies all hooting and howling. But, Lilly is panting loudly and it feels like the room is 100 degrees, so she gets a late night trip out the door to cool off some. Never leaving the porch, I call her back in and redirect her to the puppies--of course I must fill her food bowl--nursing Mommies must have food at hand ALWAYS!! Then, I turn off two cable boxes--why waste electricity--and peak in on my sleeping 9 year old. He is so big to me tonight-he's losing that sweet baby-ness and starting to look more like a tween...I've tried digging my heels in in protest, but obviously, he's still trudging forward and getting to be a big boy. I somehow manage to gather several more laundry items and some toys and puzzle pieces which I put away and then head upstairs where Em and Hunter are fast asleep--same problem, they grow so fast :( :( What great kids we have!! Well, now I see Ed sleeping and turn on the 3 watt light on my side of the bed while I sit to eat the yogurt snack I managed to bring upstairs with me. Of course, just as I glance toward Ed to see if he is really asleep or just lying there avoiding conversation, his eyes open wide and he looks horrified before giving a yawn and rolling over and back to sleep. Phew--OK, quick update of my Biggest Loser group (somehow they felt I should run this, but that could be an entire blog in itself) using the spreadsheet I mustered together ALL BY MYSELF, before checking and updating my Facebook account. Just then, I lay down, laptop still on and suddenly, I hear the cat hacking and hurling. She is obviously inches away--in fact, she is laying on Ed's knee area and about ready to let the big trail of cat barf go all over our Christmas Gift Comforter and ED!! So, I kindly rescue him by whispering a "pssst..." which causes the poor man to sit bolt upright with a horrified look and breathing heavy and loudly!! Great, I've just read that he went to bed a few hours ago due to a nagging headache and I'm sure its back if it ever left!! Well, at least we're spared the cat barf for a few more minutes--probably until one of us has to use the bathroom and find ourselves stepping in it somewhere, as she ran off in annoyance with my "pssting" and Ed's reaction. Hmmm...writing apparently makes me sleepy so I'll go now before I wake up again

Night all!!