Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Mass

Wow!! Parent teacher conference time snuck up on me already! Halloween flew by, as did most of November. Backtracking to October makes me realize why this is. On Cameron's 10th birthday, October 13th, I went in for my physical. Being the wise nurse I am, I had "defered" this glorious event for an extra year. Come to find out, not a good plan!! I almost hit the ceiling as she palpated my abdomen; tears followed....pain! Aweful, sharp, piercing pain!! Three days later, an ultrasound--and a very quiet, calm co-worker--would reveal a 16cm mass on my right ovary. Normal ovaries resemble an olive.....mine could be compared to a volleyball. Fear, worry, anxiety all etched into my head and thoughts as I sat in the lab for blooddraws and listened to prompts through the CAT scan. My family and co-workers literally held my hand as I trudged along begrudgingly. I did not ask for this, nor do I want this. Here I am, facing major abdominal surgery with a job, five
kids and too much to do to be laid out for what my doctor wants to be 12 weeks. The surgery date alone took forever to get and the reality of being "alone" at Maine Med keeps my nerves on edge. Although it is a wonderful hospital, many of my memories there are sad ones: the ultrasound that revealed my 29 week old fetus's heart had stopped beating, and the birth of a still, yet beautiful baby boy; the countless visits to my ailing Father's bedside as I watched him slowly slip away and the last I love you's we said on that Christmas Day; the arms of my step brother who met me at the door and practically carried me to the eighth floor where my Father's lifeless body lay. Not even counting stressful, anxiety ridden days of nursing school caring for patients and doubting my abilities, I feel as though too much is etched in my head. I will go there next Tuesday morning and hope for a nicer experience. Many people have tried to help me with the surgical
anxiety I am feeling. I know positives exist: no more heaviness, no more back or abdominal pain--except from the large vertical wound I will wear--no more concerns over ruptures or torsions. In the end, a positive experience will certainly help with all that has happened. Pastor Stu a d many a Christian hymn would encourage me to "cast my burdens". I am trying, but human nature tries to take over and grab them back along with a few more each time. There will come a time when I will need to just give in and allow God's hand to be my only guide. He knows it is hard for me to let go, but that is what I shall do. When, not sure. Could be at 10:00 Tuesday morning as I am counting down to sleep, tears in my eyes, fears in my heart. I hope not, I really do, but conquering fears and letting go take time...lots of it. As of next week at this same time, I will be ovarian mass free. Possibly other organs and nodes may need to be removed too, but again I hope
not. I pray not....only God knows. I am just a passenger on His mighty ship.

1 comment:

  1. I share some of those moments with you for sure. All those times after your father dies that I had to take patients by ambulance to that hospital I kept thinking I didn't want to step foot in there after what Bob went thru. But, then I remembered the doctors who treated him were the best and how they cried right along with us that night and how comfortable they made me feel knowing he was well taken care of. Keep the happy moments in your mind and remember: this too shall pass, love ya!